What’s Next?

Sometimes you just need to take a bit of time off. That’s what I was planning on doing tonight, since I’d already gotten my post for the day out this afternoon. But in one of those “I’ll just take a brief moment to see what’s new over at TBV” moments, I happened upon scifitwin’s comment to today’s collection of stories.

Seems the competitive world of chess is now going to have anti-doping testing during competition in the hope that chess may become an Olympic sport in the future. In a moment of puzzlement, one official had this to say:

“I would not know which drug could possibly help a chess player to improve his game,” [Asian Games] competition manager Yousuf Ahmad Ali said.

“But, yes, there will be official monitors who may demand that players undergo a drugs test after the rounds.”

I can just imagine grand masters like Bobby Fischer or Boris Spassky going into a full `roid rage in the middle of their classic matches back in the 1970s. Or Garry Kasparov going totally apeshit in one of his matches. Oh yeah, I can see that.

Will they be testing for too much ginkgo biloba in the players’ systems? Or ma huang? I did a Google search and happened upon one listing of compounds that might make people smarter.

I suppose those “smart drugs” will be added to the list of banned substances for all athletes now. Goodness knows, we don’t want our sportsmen and sportswomen to be smart. Do we?

This has me thinking: Who else should have to undergo the anti-doping tests? The referees and officials? The members of the national and international governing bodies? How about the officials of the anti-doping agencies (and for some of these, can we test for idiocy, too — or should they be required to take those “smart drugs”)? How about the staff of the anti-doping labs?

Should the lawyers representing athletes contesting anti-doping findings also have to undergo anti-doping tests? Wouldn’t want Howard Jacobs hopped up on some performance-enhancing drug while he’s (ahem) pounding away at the testimony of a certain head of the World Anti-Doping Agency, would we?

I’m with scifitwin on this one. Has the anti-doping apparatus crossed over to just plain delusional behavior at this point? I don’t know, but this one’s skating awfully close to the line.

That’s all for tonight, folks. I think I’m going to thrash on my guitar for a bit. But first, I need to find that little hit of Claptonocol* that’s rolling around on my desk.

* Claptonocol is part of the class of drugs known as axeomones, known to improve a player’s abilities by increasing manual dexterity, speed and basic rhythm. Other effects include an enhanced knowledge of music theory and the ability to tell the Mixolydian mode from the Phrygian and Ionian modes. Related drugs include: RonWoodacol, KeithRichardsacol, Slashotrol, EddieVanHalenacol and YngwieMalmsteenatril. Prolonged thrashing of your axe can indicate a serious underlying medical condition. If you experience this condition for more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical assistance.