Pound Suspended Indefinitely, McQuaid Sent To Detox

April 1, 2007
by R. Y. Hedoff
The Rant Your Times

Montreal, Quebec and Lausanne, Switzerland — The World Anti-Doping Agency today announced the immediate and indefinite suspension of Richard W. Pound from his position as head of the World Anti-Doping Agency due to a positive drug test. The screening was part of WADA’s new 100% No Dope program, designed to ensure that no one working for WADA or any of WADA’s affiliates takes any performance enhancing drugs.

Pound recently tested positive for the banned substance Lithium Argide (LiAr), a highly radioactive compound known to cause the production of excess testosterone in middle-aged men. The presence of LiAr in an individual’s bloodstream, in addition to causing men to produce too much testosterone, has also been linked to the gross distortion and manipulation of facts, such as Pound’s off-the-cuff estimation of how many hockey players are doping, or the “goddamn Harley” comment about Floyd Landis’ performance on Stage 17 of the 2006 Tour de France. In addition, LiAr leads to the following behavior:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited power
• The need for constant and excessive admiration
• A strong sense of entitlement
• Taking advantage of the misfortune of others for one’s own personal gain
• A lack of empathy towards others
• Displays of arrogance

In short, the presence of LiAr has been implicated in the development of narcissistic personality disorder. Researchers have shown that LiAr binds to LiAr receptors in the brain and that the bond between the compound and the receptors is extremely strong. So strong, in fact, that it is very difficult, once a person has ingested the compound, for it to be cleared from the body. Because of this, a mere single exposure to the compound can lead to a lifetime of altered performance and behavior. In addition, the excess testosterone production caused by this dangerous compound can lead to an aggressive form of behavior known as `roid rage.

Over the last several years, other members of the WADA executive board have noticed an increasing and uncontrollable aggressiveness in Pound’s behavior, leading many on the board to be concerned about his effectiveness and the on-going effectiveness of WADA in general.

One member of the WADA executive board, speaking anonymously, said, “Over the past three years board members had taken to calling Mr. Pound, ‘`Roid Rick’ behind his back.” The board member went on to say that many feared Mr. Pound’s often unpredictable and erratic behavior, and while privately disagreeing with him, they would publicly back him no matter his behavior. “With his suspension, we will no longer need to fear Dick spewing forth his outrageous oral ejaculations the world has come to know as ‘Poundisms’,” the board member said.

WADA’s new 100% No Dope program is designed to ensure that WADA staff and the staff of WADA-affiliated labs are held to higher standards than the athletes whose fates they control. Each staff member is randomly tested throughout the year, and if the presence of any banned substances (typically those that are banned for athletes subject to the World Anti-Doping Code) is detected, the staff member will be immediately and indefinitely suspended from his or her duties.

The process of determining a doping violation is much the same as for athletes in competition, except that all testing is performed at a single lab, the Laboratoire National de Dépistage du Dopage (LNDD) in Châtenay-Malabry, just outside Paris. However, unlike for the athletes, there is no follow-up testing of the staff member’s B sample (actually, there is no B sample at all), due to the accuracy of the lab and its testing procedures.

Staff members who test positive will have to certify that they have been dope-free for at least two years before being allowed to return to their previous positions. In the meantime, WADA and its affiliates are under no obligation to hold those positions for those individuals.

Mr. Pound wrote and implemented the 100% No Dope policy, and in an ironic twist of fate, he will be the first person to serve a suspension as a result of his positive result. Unfortunately for Dick Pound, while LiAr is also a highly radioactive compound, the half-life is between 50 and 100 years. To be considered dope free, Mr. Pound will have to undergo tests that show no detectable trace of LiAr, or the behavior changes caused by LiAr ingestion. Given the levels found in Mr. Pound’s system, WADA scientists estimate that it will be approximately 400 to 800 years before Mr. Pound would be eligible to return to his position.

Under the WADA code, no affliate of the agency will be allowed to hire Mr. Pound for the duration of his suspension.

In a related development, Pat McQuaid, head of the Union Cycliste International (UCI), has been sent to the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, California, following a positive test for AsSuHol (chemical formula CAsCHSOH), a highly addictive derivative of grain alcohol. Addiction to AsSuHol has been known to cause extreme versions of the behavior displayed by alcoholics.

Among the signs of AsSuHol addiction is the propensity to speak out without regard for the impact on the lives of others. According to one expert contacted by The Rant Your Times, McQuaid’s comments on the Floyd Landis case have been text-book examples of AsSuHol addiction.

“Pat McQuaid’s actions, by clearly violating the rules of the UCI and WADA in speaking to the press at the beginning of the Landis scandal, and by publicly stating that the result of the drugs test was a ‘worst-case scenario’ in essence destroyed the career of a promising bike racer who was succeeding despite riding with a bad hip,” said Dr. Larry E. G. Pulliam, a psychologist practicing in Geneva, Switzerland.

“Clearly, despite his justifications and rationalizations, McQuaid did not think prior to speaking out. The damage he’s caused is incalculable, both to the affected individual, but also to the entire sport of cycling. His continued behavior demonstrates a complete and utter addiction to AsSuHol, and he needs to be placed into Betty Ford’s 24-step program for recovery.” [note: AsSuHol is twice as addictive as normal alcohol and requires a recovery program which is twice as long, experts tell The Rant Your Times.]

Dr. Pulliam said that with hard work, McQuaid might be able to overcome his addiction within a year or two, and that once he does, he will be able to function normally in society.

One source close to the Landis camp had this to say about the Pound and McQuaid stories, “While it is certainly tempting to comment about both Mr. Pound’s and Mr. McQuaid’s situations, we will wait until the process is complete, and final judgments have been passed, before commenting on their situations.”

A spokesman for Lance Armstrong, long a target of both Pound and McQuaid, told The Rant Your Times, “You know what? Given their utter contempt for fairness and proper procedures over the years, and given the way they’ve treated Lance, Floyd and other athletes, it serves them right.”

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