Jugement par chiens

… or Trial By Dogs

by “Liggett Junkie”

[Note from Rant: This originally appeared in a comment to the previous post. While those readers who’ve followed that discussion may well have read this story, we can all use a bit of levity every once in a while. So, I asked Liggett Junkie if she would mind my publishing her story as a post. I got her go-ahead today, along with a slightly edited and reformatted version of her original. So, without further ado … ]

CASSUTO: Eh bien, DuRien, today we judicially examine the cyclists and their dogs. Justement as before, for each dog you must record all of its barks and note its behavior with great detail.

CLERK: I understand, M. le juge.

CASSUTO: Who is the first witness?

CLERK: M. Landis has arrived in Paris yesterday pursuant to the procedure as described in the Treaty on Mutual Legal Assistance in Criminal Matters between France and the United States of America.

[Excited barking from outside. THREE PEMBROKE WELSH CORGIS burst through the door, followed by FLOYD LANDIS. The dogs tear about the room. One attempts to jump up on the CLERK. It is bedlam.]

CASSUTO: M. Landis, what is the meaning of this?

LANDIS: Weren’t you going to tell me that? Hey, Wolverine, down! (WOLVERINE drops to the ground and turns to face CASSUTO. He barks furiously.] Wolverine, stop it! [Apologetically] I think he thinks you’re the bad guy from the movie on TV last night. There’s a certain resemblance.

CASSUTO: M. Landis! You are internationally summoned that I may test the memory of your dogs!

LANDIS: Well, they’re smart dogs. Go ahead.

CASSUTO: Dogs!  Did you observe your master hacking into the computers of the Laboratoire National de dépistage du dopage?

LANDIS [Chuckles]: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, but I don’t think they can tell you that. They remember if there’s food involved, though. [WOLVERINE leaps at CASSUTO, fangs bared.] Wolverine! Lie down!

CASSUTO: Aha! Now we arrive! You order your dogs to lie! The truth cannot be so easily hidden from me. Return here tomorrow!

LANDIS: Well, I already had to check out of the hotel, but if you’re still paying for it . . . .

CASSUTO: Oui. The cost is but of little importance when I must discover the truth.

LANDIS: Okay, but – M. le juge, I wanted to ask . . . I mean, I’m not a lawyer. Last night the dogs chewed up a couch in the lobby, is there anything in the treaty about who pays for that?

CASSUTO: We shall deal with that tomorrow, when I shall summon a panel of expert veterinarians and dog trainers to obtain information from these animals.

LANDIS: I’m not so comfortable with that. My dogs’ll do anything for a hamburger.

CASSUTO: DuRien, arrange that the veterinarian shall be supplied with five kilos of the finest hamburger.

LANDIS: F#©k you. [LANDIS and the corgis exit.]

CASSUTO: How these lying doping cheating computer hackers offend me. Who is the next witness?

[ALEJANDRO VALVERDE enters, in full Caisse d’Epargne racing kit, wheeling his road bike. The DOG trotting at his heels carries a bidon in his mouth.]

VALVERDE: Buenos dias, esteemed Señor! You so kindly invite me to France, so I make the training ride from Spain.

CASSUTO [Glaring at them, shouts]: Piti! Piti!

VALVERDE: No, is no piti. How much I love the roads of France, and today how beautiful the weather.

CLERK: Regardez-là, M. le juge, the animal does not respond. Is it that I shall note this?

CASSUTO [Louder]: Piti! Come here! [The DOG sits.] Is this not Piti, the name under which your bags of blood were stored by Eufemio Fuentes?

VALVERDE: Ah now I see, is mistake. I call always dogs by name of domestique. Is less to remember. Here, Oscar! [DOG goes to VALVERDE, tail wagging, and pushes bidon into VALVERDE’s hand.] He fetch marvelous.  Better than Pereiro. I show! [VALVERDE throws bidon into corner of room. DOG immediately retrieves it.] Good dog, Oscar. [Confidentially] He more expensive than Pereiro, but I prefer.

CASSUTO: All is now clear, M. Valverde. La belle France regrets the so-unfortunate error. You may depart.

VALVERDE: A thousand thanks, Señor. But I do not go at once. First I ride the cobblestones of the beautiful Champs Elysées for the practice, then I make the reservation at the Hôtel de Crillon for the victory party. You must be my honored guest. I give you this bidon – see, I autograph to my good friend Thomas Cassuto. I kiss your hands and feet, Señor. [VALVERDE bows and departs.]

CLERK: A courteous people, the Spanish.

CASSUTO: Unlike the Anglo-Saxons. How I detest them! I see that next we speak to an Australian.

[CADEL EVANS enters, carrying a small bag containing a very small animal.]

CASSUTO: M. Evans, do you make the ridicule of this court? I order you to be accompanied by your dog, not some rat.

EVANS [with great dignity]: This is my dog.

CASSUTO: Indeed?  I cannot see from here. Place it on this carpet at my feet that I may interrogate it.

EVANS: Listen, mate, if you step on my dog’s rights, I’ll chop your head off.

CASSUTO [Hesitates]: On second thought, I find this animal has no relevant testimony to offer. M. Evans is excused. [EVANS exits.] Now summon Lance Armstrong and his dog.

CLERK: Hélas, M. Armstrong has not appeared today.

CASSUTO: Quoi? Then bring me the international arrest warrant to sign.

CLERK: The national arrest warrant.

CASSUTO: Yes, yes, I have said. Tout de suite!

CLERK: But we have received a letter from his avocat.

CASSUTO: Oh, indeed?

CLERK: In it he recounts that unfortunately M. Armstrong has no dog.

CASSUTO [Pause]: I find this highly suspicious.

CLERK: But he writes that M. Armstrong intends to obtain a dog this summer.

CASSUTO: Ha, that is better.

CLERK: Yes, here it is. “In July Lance Armstrong will make El Pistolero his bitch.”

CASSUTO: Then we shall examine M. Armstrong in July. Who is the next witness?

[ALBERTO CONTADOR enters, being dragged by an enormous ST. BERNARD.]

CASSUTO: M. Contador, be seated. Is this the animal which you were awarded for your victory in the Tour de France of 2009 in Verbier?

CONTADOR: Si, the stage I won. The dog I won also. And also the Tour.

CASSUTO: This dog has been in your possession since that day?

CONTADOR: Si.

CASSUTO: He appears to be a highly intelligent animal. Let us see how cooperative he can be. I wish to ask about the day of the time trial in Annecy. You had this animal with you on that day?

CONTADOR: Si.

CASSUTO: This was the day when your brother drove you to the start of the time trial because you did not wish to travel with the Astana team?

CONTADOR: Si. I would rather have gone alone in an Astana car but Lance Armstrong took all the cars to meet his friends and relatives at the airport. I was indignant. Lance Armstrong had a new time trial bicycle and new bicycle tires and a new baby and I had none of these things from Bruyneel. My team did not treat me with the proper respect. But I had a St. Bernard and Lance Armstrong did not, and I won the stage and Armstrong did not, and I won the Tour de France and Armstrong did not. I am serene.

CASSUTO: M. Contador, this is what I wish to ask your dog. After the other members of the Astana team left and you remained at the hotel – Dog! What did your master do after the team left the hotel?

[The ST. BERNARD looks at CONTADOR attentively. He takes the coiled-up leash CONTADOR holds and places it on CONTADOR’s lap,  then fetches the bidon autographed by VALVERDE and places it in CONTADOR’s hand. The ST. BERNARD barks once and prances in place.]

CASSUTO: M. Contador, consider yourself under arrest. It is clear from the testimony of this invaluable witness that you have trained this dog to retrieve your intravenous tube and bag, your équipement of perfusion!

CONTADOR: We went for a walk! I put him on a leash! I took a bidon along!

CLERK: M. le juge, unfortunately the police cannot arrest M. Contador, they are on strike . . . .