A whole lot has happened in the month since I last posted here. Masters racers have admitted to doping or been busted for the same. The latest in the ongoing Floyd Landis saga is that he wore a wire for the Feds as they investigated Michael Ball. (No wonder Landis wore body armor at the Tour of California last May. He wasn’t worried about the wrath of Lance — well maybe a little bit — he was worried about the wrath of Michael “Pelota.”) With the new year rapidly bearing down on us all, seems like a good time to look back on the events of the last year and offer up some New Year’s resolutions for some of the names and faces in the news. So here goes.
Alberto Contador — He of the tainted beef. Alberto resolves to raise whinging and moaning about the awful misfortune that has befallen him to an art form. By March he will launch the Fondo de Alberto Equidad. In April, he will release a cover of Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love” but slightly rewritten as “Tainted Beef.” With all his whinging and complaining Alberto’s real theme song, however, will be Linda Ronstadt’s cover of Warren Zevon’s song “Poor Poor Pitiful Me.”
Lance Armstrong — Jeff Novitzky’s current unnamed target resolves that he continue to remain tranquil in the face of the ever-tightening noose of the Tall One’s investigation. And he will maintain his cool, until that one straw which will break the camel’s back. “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth,” he’ll exclaim while being peppered with questions from the Ghost of New Year’s Past (in the guise of a sports reporter). “I doped! So fucking what??!! Everyone did. Even that little weasel-fuck from East Podunk. But you’re not gonna catch me you bastards…” Lance’s theme song: “Sympathy For The Devil.”
Jeff Novitzky — He of Balco, Bonds and Armstrong resolves to dive in whatever dumpster is necessary to get the dirt (literally) on his current target. If there’s any there there, he resolves to find it and leak it the the closest available reporter. Novitzky’s theme song: “Oh No Not You Again” by the Stones.
Michael Ball — Former owner of Rock Racing, Rock and Republic Jeans and an outsized ego resolves to pay his debt to society for the fashion crime of charging clueless bimbos and fashionistas $400 for a pair of denim jeans by creating a new clothing line. While Ball spends time chillin’ in the big house, courtesy of one Agent Novitzky, he will launch a new company called Folsum Prison Blues which will sell jeans at the affordable price of $25 a pair. Proceeds will go to reimbursing the suckers who bought Rock and Republic jeans. Ball’s theme song: You guessed it, Johnny Cash’s “Folsum Prison Blues.”
Barry Bonds — You thought he’d vanished into the woodwork, right? Come March, Bonds may stand trial for lying to Federal agents, including that Novitzky character who keeps cropping up in all these doping investigations. Win or lose in court Bonds’ resolves to remain unrepentant for how he managed to squeeze so many home runs out of his aging body. Bonds’ theme song? Frank Sinatra’s rendition of “My Way.”
Masters Racers Who Dope — These people exist? Really? What the fuck? They need to pump themselves full of God-knows-what just to win bragging rights and maybe a few bucks or euros? Seriously, has the cycling arms race gone so far that rushing out to drop outrageous amounts of money on the latest parts, gadgets and bikes isn’t enough? These people oughtta resolve to get their priorities right. Theme song for all those masters who dope: “White Punks on Dope” by The Tubes, or “Dream On” by Aerosmith.
Pat McQuaid and the UCI — McQuaid and his fellow guardians of all things cycling were shocked, shocked I tell you that another Tour winner could test positive for a supposedly performance enhancing drug after the whole debacle that was the Floyd Landis affair four years ago. So, to make sure such a scandal doesn’t happen yet again, they’re being ultra-slow and deliberate in how they’re handling the Contador case. That, or they’re waiting to figure out a way to sweep the whole thing under the rug. Not that the UCI has ever been accused of that before. So for 2011 McQuaid and company resolve to be totally transparent in their dealings, starting with letting the cycling community know exactly what the $10,400 to certify bikes as “UCI Approved” will be spent on, along with all the money they collect for the pro team licenses. Their theme song: The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again.” (Or will they?)
And On An Unrelated and Completely Serious Note…
The Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is reportedly suffering from pancreatic cancer (the same evil disease that took my dad’s life a bit over four years ago). Most people who get that particular diagnosis don’t last too long. Here’s to hoping that Sister `Retha beats the disease. Theme song for the year: Pretty obvious, really. “Respect.”
Perhaps Julian Assange will target the cycling world in 2011?
Or perhaps Novitzky will get a real job and target Julian Assange. With, I expect, the same chance of success.
Assange is a different kettle of fish. No doubt about what he has done, the real question is whether or not what he himself has done is a violation of any US law.
As a side note to this, and to tie into a previous topic here, I did see a while ago an article which, among other things, said it would not be possible to charge him with receiving/possessing stolen goods, since apparently no actual physical objects were removed, but rather computer files were illicitly copied. I think the same is true regarding the hacking of LNDD’s computer and Landis/Baker.
Of course, the leaker who leaked these documents is guilty of some crime, quite possibly up to and including treason.
AC,
Given all the skeletons in pro cycling’s closets, I think Assange could have a heyday with digging up that dirt. And there are definitely those within the cycling community, the anti-doping community, and the law enforcement agencies who are more than willing to let various cats out of the bag.
Liggett junkie,
If Novitzky went after Assange, I can’t imagine he’d be successful either. What’s the likelihood that Assange was anywhere on U.S. soil when the files were transmitted to him? It would be a wild goose chase, I suspect.
William,
Interesting idea. Computer files are more virtual than physical, as you say. Of course, the law could be different in different parts of the world. As for the person who leaked information to Assange and WikiLeaks, he/she may well have committed a crime. Whether receiving the files and publishing them is a crime is another matter.
http://velonews.competitor.com/2011/01/news/spanish-authorities-want-wada-uci-input-before-making-decision_155099
If I’m paraphrasing correctly, the Spanish Federation knows what is required, but is putting the ball back in UCI’s & WADA’s court, at least in a PR sort of way. The reality is that it’s either WADA’s way or the highway. (Ironic since WADA’s way is the highway)
The Spanish Federation is saying, Why the pretext accompanied by the shifting of responsibility and expense when the conclusion is foregone? If that is what they are asking, I’d say it’s a fair question. YMMV.
That’s a fair question. Saves a certain amount of time and expense. Except for Contador’s side, at any rate. They would likely appeal any decision that is short of exoneration, methinks.
I know this has zero basis.. but nevertheless, when i saw it, it was the first thing that came to mind:
With Team RS now having co-sponsor from Twitter, one could take the conspiracy theory that partnering with Social Media.. gives control at some level in forms of filter/blocking/omerta.. yet to be seen.
WADA and UCI would probably embrace any and all delays, keeping Contador out of competition without an admission, a hearing, or a ruling?:
“Now y’all heard of a “Japanese Inspection? Japanese Inpsection, you see, when the Jap(ane)s(e) get in a load of lettuce they’re not sure they wanna let in the country, why they’ll just let it sit there on the dock ’til they get good and ready to look at. But then of course, it’s all gone rotten… ain’t nothing left to inspect. You see, lettuce is a perishable item…just like you….”. Big John-Days of Thunder. Contador is lettuce. So was Floyd and most accused athletes. Guilt, innocence, or technicality be damned.
http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/prudhomme-calls-for-rapid-conclusion-in-contador-case
TdF’s Christian Prudhomme would prefer a more rapid conclusion. That would reduce impact on the 2011 race and have the side effect of being more honest, ethical, and professional. Values WADA & UCI does not seem to embrace? YMMV.
AC,
Hmm. Using Twitter to browbeat others into toeing the party line? Interesting thought. Probably wouldn’t happen … or would it? 😉
Jeff,
Good analogy. They’re all lettuce. I have to say, I find myself agreeing with Prudhomme. A quick(er) solution would be better for all concerned. Pity that WADA and the UCI don’t see that.