While walking by Lake Michigan over my lunch hour, I got to thinking about what must be going on behind the scenes while USADA decides what to do about the Landis case. The more I thought about it, the more contentious I figured the meetings must be. Here’s a sample:
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FADE IN
Pike’s Peak on a sunny, late summer day. Cyclists ride up and down the mountain, clad in the colors of a number of the top professional cycling teams. There’s guys in Credit Agricole gear, Discovery, T-Mobile, even Phonak. These guys look like real pros, or are they just wannabes?
The camera slowly pulls back to reveal a conference room, filled with 7 or 8 people engaged in a heated discussion.
Person #1: What the hell are we gonna do about this? I mean really, there’s no way we can back up the lab. This data is all fucked up. Jacobs has our nuts in a vice. Just look at how he’s ripped apart every page of LNDD’s report.
Person #2: Look, we can’t just let Landis off the hook. What kind of message would that send? That doping’s OK? What they’ve submitted is just a bunch of crap, all this bullshit about test protocols not being followed. LNDD has a sterling reputation, they don’t make mistakes. If they say Landis doped, he doped.
Person #3: You just don’t get it, Joe, do you? The codes don’t match Landis’s sample codes. Even if the lab’s results are perfect, we don’t know who the hell tested positive. Or even if anyone tested positive. It’s just like Johnnie Cochran would say, “If the codes don’t fit, you must acquit.”
Person #1: What about the Pezzo case, Joe? What about the other testosterone cases from LNDD that have been overturned? Their work is sloppier than a 16-year-old mopping a Mickey D’s at closing time on a Saturday night!
Chairman: Dammit, ladies and gentemen! We have to come to a decision, and we need to do so now! Jacobs will be dragging us through the muck if we don’t get this done. He’ll accuse us of stonewalling and doing Dick Pound’s bidding.
Person #1: Forget Jacobs, imagine what the bloggers are gonna do. If we don’t get this done, they’re gonna go ballistic. That Rant guy will rip us a collective new one.
Chairman: I don’t give a crap about some anonymous blogger, nobody reads blogs anyway.
Person #2: Mr. Chairman, with all due respect, the blogosphere’s gone apeshit over the whole Landis mess. If Endless Cycle gets hold of this story, we’re really screwed. Rant may blather on and on and on, but this Peloton Jim guy will make it digestible to the world. And then there’s Trust But Verify … everyone and his brother and sister are reading TBV. Once the story hits his blog, it’ll take off like Frankie Andreu on speed.
Chairman (incredulous): Andreu did speed … ?
Person #2: No, you dolt! It’s a figure of speech!
Chairman: Oh, I get it. Well, we have to do something, what’s it gonna be?
Person #4: There’s nothing we can do except drop the case. Jacobs has us by the short hairs. The lab screwed up. Forget all that crap about the tests and protocols! Like George said, we don’t even know who’s piss they tested. For all we know, it was some dog’s piss.
Chairman: Can’t be! That could never happen! [Pause] Any other comments?
[Pause] No one says anything.
Chairman: OK, then let’s vote. All in favor of proceeding with the case?
[Pause] Everyone looks at each other, but no one says anything. No one raises a hand.
Chairman: Right. All opposed?
The committee slowly, haltingly, raise their hands, one by one.
Chairman: OK, that’s settled. Now, who’s going to call Dick?
The committee stares back at the chairman.
Chairman: No. No way. Why does it always have to be me?
Person #2: That’s what they pay you the big bucks for.
Chairman: But Pound makes Joe McCarthy look like a choir boy! He’ll chop my dick off!
Person #3: Well, Mr. Chairman, somebody has to stand up to that bully. He can’t just run rough-shod over our sport forever.
Chairman: Why me?
Person #1: Because, you’re the chairman. Just think of yourself as Edward R. Murrow in Good Night and Good Luck.
Chairman (resigned to his fate): All right. [Pause for a beat] Someone let the media know. I’ll go give Pound a call.
FADE OUT.
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Wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the wall while USADA decides whether or not to go forward with the Landis case? I know I would.
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In real cycling news, WADA held a conference call on Thursday. TBV has a good summary of it, with links to stories on VeloNews and IHT. And Endless Cycle has good commentary on Lance Armstrong’s reactions to the New York Times stories about Frankie Andreu’s use of EPO in 1999.
This script would never sell. No one would believe it. For God’s sake, your main character is named Dick Pound!
Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’ll have to change the main character’s name. Perhaps he should be called Darth Vader? 😉