David Millar recently wrote at Bicycling.com that he will eventually write an “Idiots Guide to Anti-Doping.” While he’s considering what to write, here are a few random thoughts rolling around in my head. (File this under the heading “Dark Humor.”)
The really condensed version of Anti-Doping for Idiots, in less than twenty five words: Doping is cheating. We’re going to catch you if you cheat. We’ll destroy you if we catch you, so don’t even bother. Any questions?
Now, for those who need the longer version:
First, let’s start with a little thing called the Prohibited List. If you take one of the drugs listed here, or use a banned training technique or banned technique in competition, you’re guilty of doping.
Don’t even think of using anything on that list, unless you’ve got a doctor’s note and have filed it with the proper authorities. And even if you do, that doesn’t mean we’ll let you use the drugs. And it won’t save you if you manage to take more than the allowed amount (see also Alessandro Petacchi: One Puff Over The Line).
Oh, and even if you don’t know what these things are, or what they do, or even how to pronounce the names, it doesn’t matter how you’re exposed to them. This is strict liability. If it’s in you, you’re guilty. Doesn’t matter how it got there, or what the quantity. If it’s found in you, you’re guilty. Next case?
If you’re foolish enough to think you can avoid detection, think again. Not only can we catch you, we will. And if you’re an athlete in cycling, track and field, baseball, football (real football or that American invention, doesn’t matter), weightlifting, swimming, cross-country skiing, and any other sport we deem to be full of cheats, you’re guilty even if we haven’t caught you yet. It’s just a matter of time. `Fess up now, before it’s too late, and we’ll go easy on you.
How do we catch you? Simple. It’s science. And the science behind our detection methods is infallible. Don’t even bother arguing that it isn’t. (And the labs are infallible, too, so forget arguing that they can’t do their jobs right.) The arbitrators will slap you silly for even suggesting that our methods aren’t up to scratch. Well, that is unless you take your case all the way to the Court of Arbitration for Sport. But we’ll bleed you dry trying to clear your name before that occurs, so don’t expect you’ll have the resources for an appeal.
By the way, did we mention it will cost you a bloody fortune to defend yourself against an anti-doping case, and the odds are strong that you’ll lose? Not a millionaire? No access to quality legal advice? See the previous paragraph before you decide to fight the charges.
You were caught by one of our tests, but you still insist you’re not guilty? Really? And you expect us to believe that story? Look we didn’t just fall off the turnip truck yesterday, bub. You’re busted. Take your punishment, cry on cue and say you’re really, really, really sorry. It was a terrible mistake. You intended to dope, but never got around to it. Wah.
All will be forgiven. And we’ll even let you compete again, once your suspension is finished. We might even make you an “anti-doping ambassador.” (Hey, it worked for David Millar and Ivan Basso — and Basso’s suspension hasn’t even ended, yet.)
Remember: Doping is cheating. We’re going to catch you if you cheat. We’ll destroy you if we catch you, so don’t even bother. Any questions?
Don’t follow the advice above, and you’ll be on the road to ruin — financial and otherwise.
“Anti-Doping For Idiots”? Great, the LNDD’s policies and procedures are finally going to be published!
LNDD has policies and procedures?
Dark Humor?? I don’t think so…ALL TOO REAL!
William, don’t be cynical: we know at a minimum that LNDD has a policy not to discuss its procedures.
let’s not forget:
“sure, you can still take your case to arbitration, but we’ll drag it out as long you were going to be suspended anyway. why bother ? save yourself and other taxpayers the expense. did we mention, we know you’re guilty ? ok, ok, if you insist. we’ll get to pick two judges, you get to pick one, and the majority rules. we’re fair as well as infallible.”
As usual, you’re right Larry. Here’s another policy: in order to foster creativity, techs are free to devise their own procedures for running tests. Oh, and no need to bother with pesky documentation, it would take too long and you’d probably be late for your vacation.
I hope you will write a companion volume/post, Anti-Doping Testing for Idiots, in English, French, and other translations as necessary…
1. Turn machine on, etc.
2. If dropped on floor, may need recalibration, etc.
Ten good rules to always keep in mind when trying to ruin professional cycling – starting with number ten.
10. To ensure “no-retesting” make certain to use up all the “material.”
9. Believe “wholeheartedly” in the “sympathy factor” when you claim the accused is at fault for consuming your budget.
8 . Keep publicly claiming the “fairness” of your system.
7. Refute all by claiming the opposition is in support of doping.
6. To ensure “fairness” make certain that the system is not “public.”
5. Villainize the defense counsel in public as money grubbers.
4. Remember, in the “court of public opinion” INNUENDO is better then facts.
3. All “final judgments against the defense to be held “behind closed doors.”
2. Keep it “private” but government subsidized.
1. Make certain only “like minded” individuals get into the club.
Methadone is prohibited (there go all the heroin and morphine addicts that are racing).
Cannabinoids (is that really a word?) are prohibited. Picking on this one is too easy.
Don’t forget to add a chapter regarding people who do too well. If guys win races, then they shall be investigated for suspicious behavior. We will call this suspicious probation. People who do things that are suspicious are probably dopers. We shall eradicate them.
Cyclists that ride a Grand Tour are performing super human efforts on a daily basis. Therefore they are all suspicious. A rider that wins a stage is on double suspicious probation. A rider that wins a difficult stage, especially a difficult stage by solo breakaway, is on triple suspicious probation. And if they happen to train in locations that we can’t find at high resolution on Google Earth, and perform any of the above, they shall be eradicated – especially if we don’t like them. We don’t know if they cheated but who cares, they are insulting to us.
As addendum, all riders who cry in public, and admit their obvious life of cheating, shall receive a get-out-of-unemployment-free card for use whenever necessary. Unless you are Frank Vandenbrouk, because you were not really, really repentant. And we all know your dog didn’t really need the epo – he never even raced a bike.
Hi Rant,
I am sure that you have seen the comments by the new president of wada regarding them seeking compensation from Floyd Landis for their legal bill which is estimated to be around $1.3 million. No wonder an ordinary mortal will not fight them. The expenses are so prohibitive that an innocent athlete will give up rather then put themselves into so much debt. Something wrong with that system. Looking forward to your new posting on this one.
Luc,
I have seen those stories. I’ll be writing something about WADA’s latest move in a post that should be out later today (or early tomorrow in your neck of the woods), depending on when I have the time to tap out my thoughts on the keyboard. Under a “loser pays” kind of system, I rather doubt any athlete would fight the charges — especially given the ADA’s greater resources that they can bring to bear on a prosecution.