With all the accusations and rumors flying about Patrik Sinkewitz, Matthias Kessler, Michael Rasmussen and who knows who else, things have maybe gotten a bit too serious in the world of cycling. Knowing some folks might want a break from all of the accusations, rumors and innuendo, let’s cue comedian Jeff Foxworthy. Ready? And now, for your reading and entertainment pleasure … how to tell whether you are a doper.
If you know that the thing in your garage with handlebars, two wheels, pedals and a chain is a bicycle … you just might be a doper.
If you just made up three minutes on the leaders of the Tour de France, moving from 19th place to 9th place … you just might be a doper.
If you’ve ever ridden with a Dr. Ferrari rather than driven a Ferrari … you just might be a doper.
If you’ve never been able to time trial to save your life, and now you’ve just held on to the yellow jersey, despite your previous lack of ability … you just might be a doper.
If you’re a cyclist from Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Holland, Italy, Spain or the United States riding in the Tour de France … you just might be a doper.
If you’ve ever been tested by a certain French anti-doping lab, and your results were leaked to the press … you just might be a doper.
If you’re so strong a rider that you can’t keep your bike upright during a time trial in the rain … you just might be a doper.
If you’re so strong a rider that you can keep your bike upright during a time trial in the rain … you just might be a doper.
If you’ve been training hard to improve your weaknesses — and you succeed … you just might be a doper.
If you’re an outspoken cyclist from an island nation who suddenly can break away from the pack for 4 hours or more, but you get caught only kilometers from the finish … you just might be a doper.
If your specialty has been short track Olympic cycling events and suddenly you finish 5th in a tricky, grueling time trial stage of the Tour de France … you just might be a doper.
If you’ve ever worn anything made from Lycra … you just might be a doper.
If you don’t think headbands and bandannas went out of style at the end of the 1980s … you just might be a doper.
If you’ve ever asked a friend to bring you a pair of shoes you left behind … you just might be a doper.
If you’ve ever worn a baseball cap backwards during a press conference … you just might be a doper.
If you’ve ever won the Tour de France, or stood on the podium in Paris … you just might be a doper.
If your first name is Bjarne, Floyd, Ivan, Jacques, Jan, Fausto, Lance, Mario, Michael, Oscar, Tom — heck, if you have a first name and ride a bicycle … you just might be a doper.
If your bicycle doesn’t have baskets and a reflector … you just might be a doper.
If you know that 42×21 and 53×12 are gears on your bicycle and not math equations … you just might be a doper.
If you know which of those gears to use when climbing a hill and which to use when sprinting … you just might be a doper.
If you know the proper pronunciation of the brand name “Campagnolo” … you just might be a doper.
If you would rather eat a PowerBar than a Snickers Bar .. you just might be a doper.
If your drink of choice for a night on the town is Gatorade … you just might be a doper.
If you go to bed early just so you can go on a long ride the next morning … you just might be a doper.
And finally …
If you’ve ever ridden a bicycle in competition, even if it was only to beat little Johnny from down the block on your Schwinn Sting-Ray … you just might be a doper.
I had an iced coffee with my friends after our training ride today. I guess I’m also a doper.
I also have to confess … I had a Powerbar Caffeine/Chocolate gel today plus a Subway sandwich.
Let’s see, I had a PowerBar (chocolate) and a couple of bottles of Gatorade on my ride today. So I must be a doper, too. But the mocha I had this afternoon was non-fat, decaf with no whipped cream, so does that mitigate my previous transgressions? 😉
I confess I AM a doper. My allergies have been so jacked up due to all the rain (go figure rain in central Texas in July and not hurricane in sight). I had to go to my supplier, errr Doc. and get a steroid shot, a prescription for rinocort and Alegra-D.
I make pro cyclist look like choir boys.
It doesn’t matter what you look like, what equipment you got or who you do or don’t use it with, if you shave your legs and wear stretchy tights and get all sweaty in public, you just might be a doper.
My preferred drink after a nice workout is a nice glass of red wine and i am prone to saying ‘passer le fromage svp’. So i must be clean. And even if i do test positive you’ll forgive me won’t you?
OKAY ALREADY – I start my day with cafine – I’m a doper, “my name is Morgan and I’m a doper”….are we all creating a new club to be in – the “dopers club”? Forgive me you all – but wouldn’t it be a bit smarter to make fun of the villains rather then get caught in the spin going on out there?
I laugh at myself all day most times – but I’m not much for helping others in making me suffer. I don’t place much value on being “acceptable” by feeding into this mentality – I think it is a bit smarter to make fun of the actual cause to our suffering, so how about this – Is McsQuid frustrated because he has no reason to shave his legs anymore? Are the French upset because they have no good riders? Awww forget it – these guys are just not funny – or it could be that I’m just not funny? You all probably think I’m being just a spoil-sport, with no sense of humor, but that is not my point anyway.
Morgan,
Don’t know how long you’ve been following the ravings here at Rant. We’re an equal opportunity skewerer of all sides of the story. Here’s some of the other posts with a funny (we hope) bent:
Strict Liability — Python Style
New Rules (Floyd Landis Edition)
Pound Suspended Indefinitely, McQuaid Sent To Detox
And my personal favorite, submitted by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous (but I can say that it wasn’t John Cleese): The Hearing, as performed by Monty Python
Enjoy.
– Rant
My cassette goes down to 11.
If you are Landis, you are a liar and a doper!